Shift In Gears

Isn’t it strange how the desires of our hearts can change? Or maybe our hearts just deepen, or find clarity, or perhaps they simply seek a more thirst quenching calling from the Lord. I’m not entirely sure, really, what has been taking place in my heart…but a shifting in my atmosphere has most recently arose.

I want love. That’s not new. I have love, give love, receive love, bathe in love from my Father. I rejoice in that most sweet truth. But I want to be in love with a man, a guy whom has a heart set apart for my own. Like I said, that is not new (in fact, I‘m fairly certain those of you reading this may be exhausted in the way I write about it so often). But I am most longingly keeping my eyes completely fixed on the Father, my true love, my resting place. He is the one I am head over heels for. He is the one who knows me inside and out. He is the only one that can provide perfect peace, comfort, joy, and excitement from day to day. He is the only one I choose to run after. I cannot wait until He brings a wedding day for myself and someone here on Earth…but until then, my heart rejoices in this deep love I have already found! A holy marriage has already taken place, and my heart is forever entwined with my creator, my true love.

And I sat last night, under the stars, snuggled under a thick, soft blanket. The fire burned softly beside me, and voices of those chatting about life and love filled the night air. The long chair I nestled in created the perfect stargazing opportunity. The moon was behind the trees, blazing so bright to light up the few thin clouds grazing the sky. Stars sprinkled out, fighting with the moon for spotlight. It was warm, the sky was glory filled, and I breathed in slowly. I spotted the blinking light of an airplane as it made its way from one side of the sky to the other, and I took note how quickly my heart longed to be up there, anticipating arrival to some destination, too. To go to a place where the need of hope and love is strong. I want to go and be used in places so much less fortunate than our comfortable spots here. I want to go to those who are desperate. I want to be of help for the broken.

I guess what I am so amazed by is that I no longer want to just fall in love and “settle down.” But I want to explore and be used by God in ways my own mind can’t even imagine. I want to travel and see. To experience and be changed just as outrageously beautiful as those who God is able to touch through me. My heart longs to be heavily involved in a place or a church or an organization surrounding truth and hope and raw love. I’m ready to go and be involved in something much bigger than my own thoughts and desires. Something exciting and breathtaking. Something dangerously life changing.

It is some how amazing the way the desires of our hearts can rearrange.

 

Mothers Day Dash

I always live in these little instances when my thoughts say “Oh..this would be lovely to write about..” But then, of course, my life doesn’t allow time to sit down and live out through words until a week later. By then the emotions have been watered down, time has erased specific details, and the story just doesn’t come out as blossomed as I would have originally imagined.

Even so, Mothers Day was one of those instances I wanted to write down. Not the actual Mothers Day itself, but my moments at 1AM the morning of. After a busy day, I found my car driving on the almost empty highways of Marquette, making my way through the light rain and flashing stop lights towards Walmart. I wandered up and down the aisles, looking for something little to set aside for my mom to discover when she woke up, something to make her morning a little different, something for her to find in order to slow her down in the midst of a mad dash to make it to church in time. But as I turned the corner into the section filled with greeting cards, I couldn’t help but slap my hand over my mouth in efforts to stop myself from exploding in surprised laughter. At least twenty people stood, pacing up and down as their eyes exhaustedly scanned the leftover cards, apathetic and some irritated looks appeard upon their faces. One man laughed as he stood back waiting for his wife to “pick out a card already, the one in your hand is good enough” and elbow bumped the stranger next to him while saying in a very redneck tone, “Who would have thought everybody would wait until midnight to pick out a Mothers Day card??” And I asked the same thing in my head. It was quite hysterical to me, and I’m not sure why. Squeezing into the crowd just to get a look at the cards was hard enough. These people had obviously already been there fifteen minutes or so, and were not about to let me in as they still hoplessly looked for that perfect card (or at least something that half-heartedly related to their own mother). With all the people in one tiny section of the store, it was still amazingly silent. You heard pacing footsteps. The stop watch in the jewlery section behind us went off every two minutes, beeping and beeping and beeping until someone finally gave up and took their turn to go try and shut it off. A smile sat upon my own face as I was more interested in analyzing why our world procrastinates so much instead of looking for the gift I set out for. I leaned back on the party rack behind me, patiently waiting for the people to clear away, and wondered why each person here waited until the last second. I decided one family was busy with their many children, guessing from the other items in their cart, and thought this was in fact the only time the parents were able to escape. Two girls who were friends were just naturally awake at this hour, not aware that the current number of people in Walmart was unusual at this time of night. Others, perhaps, just don’t like to shop. Some, maybe, were avoiding picking out a card since it requires some deeper thought and needed to hold an amount of meaning. For whatever reasons, the mad dash to find a card kept me puzzled yet very much amused. Realizing I was falling asleep as my head leaned back on a package of confetti, I shuffled my feet to the middle aisle where, to my surprise, a display held numerous greeting cards specifically for the current occassion. I looked to my left and to the right, seeing only a Walmart worker stocking shelves, and giggled knowing not one person in the card section knew this was out here. I enjoyed my private card display and found not one, but a few cards I liked. Picking one, I walked away still giggling, wondering if I should share my secret with one or two people trying to shove their way closer to the pathetically picked over racks a few aisles down… I decided against that thought, found some other items to add to my gift, and made my way back out to the trickling rain and dark sky.

Amy & Colin Go To The Beach!

 

I Hate Goodbyes

I need a homecoming. With everyone leaving for home and new places, I sit here staring into a small city filled with wonder. A place that I know my heart loves, where the Holy Spirit is found alive breathing and being, where my family finds rest. But people seem to be tip-toeing out more than ever. I can’t tell you how many best friends have wandered home or made a new home in places much farther away than a joyful car ride. I know I am not losing them, and I know these adventures are all only temporary..but still, it isn’t easy to be the one sitting back with bags empty and no where to wander myself. And to know the departures have not ended. They started last summer and they continue to rise up, one by one, each one maybe a little harder than the last (which is backwards, right? don’t they say it gets easier with time?). I need a homecoming, a rejoicing, a moment of relief and new day. I need something of my own.

And that is what I’m asking God. For something to call my own. A peice of goodness from the God’s heart for the palm of my hands. A time of beauty and blossom. A flower for my hands to hold, to smell the sweet, subtle aroma. To admire it’s color. Lord, I’m ready. I’m willing, I’m waiting, I’m ready.

Seeking Hope

I love the springtime and I love the fog that appears in the still of the peaceful mornings. Surprised with the pot of coffee I just brewed (it tastes better than I had predicted), I sit listening to “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole on repeat…over and over and over again. The smell of the coffee and the melodies of this song are the two solid things that are keeping me at ease this morning. My head keeps trying to run off into distant, dark places and my body is fighting it’s health. The days physical appearance has everything working towards my liking - a beautiful, foggy, spring morning. I do not have to work. I have no school or heavy obligations weighing down on me. But even so, I can feel this cloud hovering closely by, trying so hard to shatter my heart. It isn’t something I can really explain, type out in words, or express in emotion. But it’s there, it’s here next to me, and it’s real. And so I keep the song on repeat, I continue to sip my coffee, and I hold on tightly to Gods hand as he gently sits with me, fighting for my heart, too.

Words I Love

TRUTH
growth
hope
grace

Restless Thoughts (that don’t amount to much)

The week before I started classes at Northern, I remember sitting in the main hall of the LRC, taking out my freshly picked up MacBook and trying to figure out how the heck to use it. I had no idea what all the chords were for, I couldn’t figure out how to register it on the NMU network…I felt ridiculous. Now, here I sit, again in the hallway of the LRC. I have one last final tonight at 6:30; Art History, and I am in no way inspired, encouraged, or motivated to study for it. I finally know what the chords to this MacBook all do, I can easily maneuver around the NMU network…and yet, it is another chapter that is closing in my life, and someday this week I will be making my way back to the window I picked it up at, only this time to drop it off. At least for now. And my heart would naturally like to question why God isn’t having me sit in one place for longer than a few months. A constant changing and rearranging is moving in and around me, barely allowing time for me to breathe. But I know it’s good, and I know He is moving me towards something most beautiful. A lovely combination of brokenness and growth is continually preparing me for where I am being taken. I like not having the slightest idea where God is leading me to, for it requires a constant pursuit of reliance on Him. It keeps life exciting; a position where I am in complete desperate need of my Father each and every moment if only just to make it through the day. It’s a sometimes exhausting place to be, but it’s wonderful nevertheless…

There is this cup sitting silently on the shelves of Starbucks. It appears to be made out of clay, done so it looks homemade or with that straight-from-the-local-art-store type feel. It’s a creamy white shade, with a fresh green color covering the inside. Cute and little, the word “growth” is painted on the outside. I want it. It’s precious. It’s fragile. Just like my heart. And with the word “growth” hiding somewhere amidst the mug, it shows my ever present state of being. It was a cup made for me, and I want it.

My Art Prof Said She Loved This

Art is the core of our hearts inspiration. True art does not just stand still, but it encourages, inspires, brings forth growth, and awakens the life and soul. Photography, to many, is one of the most beautiful contributions to art. Ranging from portraits to landscape, abstract to the ordinary mundane, there is a picture for everyone.

Spring, Day One

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve sat on my porch? Every memory I have sitting on the beautiful dark brown wooden furniture out here is accompanied by my cousin, Ashton. When we were younger, we would attempt to have sleepovers on the wooden floor - our excuse for camping. It took quite some time hauling out all of the biggest, plumpest blankets we could find in order to make our cozy beds. We would bring out music and books and our favorite game, Clue. We never actually slept the night out here, though, because the noises escaping from the woods were often too much for us. And once, once we discovered a mouse was trying to join in on our sleepover. That night amounted to much screaming and tumbling over each other in hopes to get to the door to plunge safely inside the house. I remember Stephanie’s graduation party, and Ashton and I decided the porch was the cool place to hang out. We brought our food and soda pops out here. Barefoot, we sat cross legged on the wooden benches and cheerfully greeted each new guest as they entered the party. 

I like to think today is the first real day of spring. Yesterday God helped me along with my “spring cleaning” and I can’t remember the last time I was as joyful as I have been over these past 24 hours. But today, God faithfully, and beautifully, brought along the rest. The weather was my favorite - just perfect enough to walk around in a hooded sweatshirt. The wind was strong, and the air smelled so good. People have stood out most beautiful today; from bus drivers to parents to deep friendships and to little sisters. It’s so good.

I sit, once again, cross legged upon one of the wooden benches. I can hear the birds singing soft, sweet melodies. They sing the same song that the birds sang every morning at Lake Lundgren Bible Camp. It takes me back to being nestled deep down into my sleeping bag on the top bunk of Skylark, or maybe Sparrow cabin. I would always wake up a few minutes before the morning bell, my body naturally awakening from the deepest, most energizing nights sleep. I could hear the other girls breathing as they still peacefully slept and dreamt, and there was usually the sound of rocks crunching underneath the footsteps of one camper who was making a mad morning dash from their cabin to use the bathroom. But the birds were always singing. It was a comfort, a sound and a feeling I new without a doubt would greet me every morning. 

And it’s that same song the birds sung effortlessly each morning that they are singing now. I even hear a fly buzzing back to life in the windowsill, something that I would usually very much be annoyed by. But not now, not today. It’s almost wonderful. 

This day has been inspiring, exciting, dare I say miraculous. My soul is alive and my heart calmly beats deep inside. I am full and blessed. I sit here, still, beginning to feel a bit chilled as the sun sets behind the trees and the snow melts on. The wonderful presence of God is so strong.

“Be still, and know that I Am God.”

A New Vision

“Without a vision, the people will parish.”

For so long, I took this verse as a heartache. I did not have a vision as to what I was going to be doing with my life, who I would spend it with, where I would be spending my time. I knew to trust in God, I knew His love would never fail me, but still…my heart ached. Having to wake up each morning to remind myself “Live for today, seek Gods plans for today” was completely hard! Nevertheless I pushed on, and I’m still breathing.

Today I breathe with a new hope. I have tried so desperately to tread through the mud and sort out God from this world. I kept my eyes on God as I daily searched out where He was leading me and what exactly I was supposed to be doing. This is not a wrong way of living - I was keeping God the forefront of my decisions - but it was a hard way of living. It’s entirely exhausting to truck through the muck while at the same time following God’s footsteps. But today, I found a new hope.  

And in a blurry sense, I finally found that vision. I’m trying a new way of living. One where I choose to rise up from the mud and muck and brown, and rinse my boots off. To push aside all of the whispers and pressures of those around me. I am clearing my mind, and most importantly my heart, of all the junk I’ve so desperately tried to sort out, to organize. Instead, I’m “diving in to life.” I’m going to be excited about everything and anything. I am ready to embrace what the day has to offer, not just try and walk through it. I am going to love people and be loved by them. I am going to focus on my relationships with my very best of friends and sink in to all the life I have yet to live.

It is never a more perfect time to discover this. Spring is around the corner and I’m cleaning out my heart; spring cleaning, kids! Not just physically in my room and surroundings, but in the corners and compartments of my mind, my heart, my life. This joy is exciting, and I’m so happy the Lord brought it to my attention on a day like today, when the sun is bright and my heart is light.